A breakthrough

So last night was yet another sung audition. But oh, what a difference!

First, a little background.

Due to "a series of unfortunate events" that would take way too long to go through, I somehow managed to develop a singing phobia. As in, the only time I could sing was if my voice was safely buried in a choir or other large group, or when driving alone in the car. But even when I was driving alone, if another car pulled up beside me, I would get sick to my stomack, sweat, and have to stop singing. I even had trouble singing lulabies to my then infant daughter.

But I can remember what it was like to love singing. To love bringing the song to life with sound and emotion. And I wanted to see if I could find that again.  So enter Michelle.

Michelle is a wonderful woman, actress, singer and vocal coach. She's a rather well known actress here in the Twin Cities. We totally lucked into lessons with her through a camp Mim attended and absolutely loved.

Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm not much of a believer in luck. I detect more than just a smidgen of God's hand at work in all this. :-)

I'm not even sure Michelle could hear me in that first lesson. It took every ounce of strength and faith I had to make any noise at all even remotely resembling singing. I could tell, as lessons progressed, that the poor woman didn't really realize what she had gotten herself into. She couldn't really understand my "reluctance" to sing out.

But it wasn't really reluctance. It was fear. Pure, primal, twist the gut fear. It took almost a year for me to start to feel anything even remotely comfortable when I opened my mouth, even with her saying almost every week, in every way she could figure out, that I did have a voice and was somewhat competent in using it.

My first sung audition was....painful. There was a desperation in it, a "holding on by the skin of my teeth" feel. But I got through it. It must not have been quite as bad as I thought, since I was asked to stay and read AND dance (we're not even going to talk about dancing at this point... oy!) Anyway, long story short, I didn't get cast. But neither did about 75% of the people who auditioned. More importantly to me, I survived the experience, my one goal for the audition.

Fast forward almost 3 years. I've been in over 10 shows since then, some plays but mainly musicals. I've even had a couple of one-line sung solos. So I've come a Looooooonnnggg way. But, every time I sing for an audition, I feel like I'm saying "Yeah, I can carry a tune. I'll do fine in your chorus. Sorry I'm not lead material." I never really believed I could sing well enough to do anything else.

Enter yesterday. I love the show I auditioned for. I love the role I auditioned for. That role's a lead. That creates a conflict within myself. I'm not lead material. I can go for it, but I know it won't happen. But I love that role... so the endless loop goes.

Before our audition, we were blessed to go to Michelle's for a lesson/warm up. During that time, she said something that meant the world to me. We've been having REALLY good lessons, especially with this song. During yesterday's lesson, I mentioned basically that I knew there was very little chance of me getting the lead. Michelle said, very quietly, "I don't think it's a long shot at all." And she meant it.

So I went to the audition for the first time believing that maybe, just maybe, this might be true. I entered the audition room, nervous, but finding that I trusted Michelle and the work we've done. I sang out, not quite as well as at Michelle's, but well enough. No cracks, no squeaks, no gasps for breath. The desparation of that first audition was forgotten, and I - almost - lost myself in the song.

And then it was over. That's the thing with auditions. You shake, you worry, you work, you audition, and then... nothing. At least for a few days. If you don't get in, you never know why you didn't. If you do, you rarely really know why you did.

I ended up staying after I sang to cheer on and support friends who were also auditioning. I heard 3 other women sing the same song I did (provided by the theater for women of a certain age :-). Now, normally when I do that, I simply manage to confirm to myself my poor view of my singing and my chances. But, this time, it was different. I was able to start my listening at a neutral place, instead of deep within my own belief in my shortcomings and failings. One woman seemed to have great difficulties with pitch and rhythm. One had a beautiful operatic voice. This sort of thing used to immediately convince me that I was hopeless. But as I listened, I realized that just having an incredible operatic voice wasn't enough. While the woman sang beautifully, there didn't seem to be any connection to the song. It became a bit of an operatic aria, instead of the ballad it really was. Beautifully sung, but not performed. The third woman also had a very nice voice, but, again, no performance. There was no varying of tone or volume, no "telling of the story" the song presented.

Now, I will admit that I have no idea what the director is looking for. Sometimes a part is cast more on look (and availability) than necessarily on talent or ability. But I can say one thing without doubt. I sang with heart.  I didn't just sing a song. I told a story - with words, movement and emotion. I varied volume. I varied intensity.  For the first time, the story of the song became my focus, instead of the story of my singing. I can't say that I heard that from any of the other women. Who knows if that will make a difference in whether or not I get a role. But it made a huge difference to me. I learned that, sometimes, I really can sing.

Thank you, Michelle.

And so it begins...

Hi all!

I'm Diannah, and I've finally decided to join the blog-a-sphere.

Why, you ask?  I love to write. My job and hobbies raise tons of questions any time they come up. And I'm getting ready to take what could be an amazing vacation. But mostly, because I find that I learn best from my life experiences when I look at them from outside of myself. From a third person viewpoint.

And that's what blogging - public journaling, basically - forces me to do. If I'm just journaling, that's strictly personal. And I find myself avoiding looking at certain emotions and experiences from that very valuable third person viewpoint. If I'm writing knowing that others will be reading it, I tend to be more honest with what I say, and therefore more honest with myself.

I make no promises that this blog will even be interesting, much less a valuable read. But I can promise that it will be honest.

A little about myself:

I'm 48, married with a 16 (soon to be 17) year old daughter. I'm originally from Shreveport, Louisiana, but have lived in some part of the Twin Cities in Minnesota since 1985. I currently work as a Dog Training Instructor (DTI) and Mentor for a large chain pet supply store. DTI means I spend a good chunk of my time at work teaching pet parents how to help their canine family members learn manners and appropriate behaviors. Mentor means I train other trainers to do the same thing. I love that part of my job. I've been with this company almost 15 years at this point. There have been things I love, and things I hate. Just as with any job, I suppose. Even now, there are things I love and things I'd just as soon not to have to deal with.

The title of this blog has many layers of meaning. The simplest of which refers to my current obsession - uh, I mean hobby.  I'm a community theatre actress. In the past 3 years I've performed in 11 different shows with 7 different community theatres and 6 different directors. I just completed a show this past weekend (Grease) and will be auditioning for another (Footloose) this Thursday. It's my thought that this blog will likely spend a lot of time on my theatre experiences. If you know nothing about community theatre, or are interested in getting started, hopefully you'll find this interesting and helpful.

What does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, as a rule, a theatre production occurs on a stage, and the area on either side of the stage, where actors wait to enter, change scene and sometimes even change clothes, is called the Wings of the stage. Thus, the production primarily takes place between those wings.

Get it now?

There are other reasons for the name, that may or may not be explained later on. We shall see.... Angels figure into the picture.

So what prompted me to start this blog now? 

In 6 days, the three of us leave for our first true family vacation in over 7 years. We will be cruising Alaska's Inside Passage on the Disney Wonder. I'm hoping to blog as we go.

So welcome to my Life Between the Wings. I hope you enjoy this peek behind the curtain. Please let me know what you think, and if there's anything I can do to make this a better blog. I can't promise regular updates, but hopefully I'll keep as up-to-date as possible.

Tomorrow I'll (hopefully) be finishing off most of the pre-cruise details and getting an idea of what my finished packing will be like. Thursday I work, then have a voice lesson/warm up with one of the best actresses/voice coach/people I know, then off to auditions with my daughter. I'm hoping to blog a little about my prep and my experiences. This will be a special audition for me. More details to come.     :-)